So today I had my first session with my new personal trainer courtesy of my awesome husband who saw fit to hire a personal drill master for me rather than take me to a fancy dinner… Awesome.
So I walked in and saw a lady, just lean, sweating like she’s serving a punishment… Then the ever smiling, ever positive Uzi comes out…
The reason I don’t like Uzi is because he is not a good person. He is so polite and chipper and effervescent… while breaking your spirit one jumping jack at a time… By the time he was halfway through I was speaking in tongues to strengthen my spirit man… The body had already failed.
I started off like… ‘does he know I used to be a master gym bunny?’ I was doing jumping jacks and squats like ‘don’t let my big thighs fool you’.
After 20 squats my legs were a bit wobbly. Yomi, focus you cannot fall your own hand!… I did lunges, then knee ups, then jumping jacks… I started to think about how heaven will be… then he said I should go up and down the stairs 10 times… I ran up once, twice, brisk walked three times, ‘Ah… who have I offended, by the 8th time I was actually talking to myself out loud because I just was confused… if not for pride, I would’ve rolled down the stairs the tenth time.
So Uzi effusively shouts ‘good job’ in that his american accent of life… Even Jillian is not as wicked as Uzi… ‘Take a one minute break’, One minute? I’m confused, we haven’t finished? Shanda… ‘Come on Yomi, lets start again” Again? Oya, I am sorry, please let my people go….
1 hour later!!! I am not the same person I was when I walked in…
I have only one thing to say… In my thickest Nigerian accent…
THUNDER FIRE FRENCH FRIES. CHIPS, CHIPS, CHIPS!!! I BIND YOU AND CAST YOU OUT OF MY LIFE TODAY!!! NO MORE.. OYA BEGIN TO BURN BURN BURN!!!!
