So I have planned, and procrastinated, and made excuses and tired myself out doing everything that means anything to everyone else while not doing anything for me. As a Christian and a woman and a wife and a daughter and a Yoruba first daughter at that, putting myself first does not come naturally. To be honest it really doesn’t come at all. Every time I plan something for myself and someone else’s thing (usually a family member’s) comes up, without a second thought mine is put on the back burner. It’s great feeling like I’m making an impact on the people I love most but I struggle with that feeling of not doing what you really want to do and not being able to shake your desire to do it.
When I started this journey in 2016, I don’t know what it was but I got bitten by a bug that gave me unbelievable hope and reminded me that everything I wanted to do was possible. I guess the presence of my business coach Charlie and my Chief Cheerleader Bidsy Koko made it easier. These two people in particular made it difficult for me not to give up and do. Physically, emotionally, intellectually I was going somewhere and it was going to happen. I was losing weight, writing, making, even my faith was at an all time high. It was so high that when the storms came, and the rain fell and the ground began to shake I was unmoved, unbothered and unaffected.
Sadly I discovered I was not invincible and I could hurt. That story is for another day but the end of it was a solid 14 month depression that left me completely alone, angry, afraid, financially legless and a good 15kg (35lbs) heavier. As I said, story for another day. Fear not, I will tell it, I just need to get to my happy ending first.
That is where I am today. I decided to start again and find my joy and peace. Again. People say starting again is easy because you know all the pitfalls and can avoid previous mistakes.You’ll move faster and do better … lies. Staring again is hard. The first time around, you didn’t really know what you were getting into so you were always hopeful that it was only going to get better. The second (and third and fourth and fifth) time around you know exactly what you are getting yourself into and your mind resists you every step of the way. You know what it is to start, you’ve already done that. Your body remembers the pain and your mind remembers the sacrifices. Every time you take a step you brace for impact. Your mind is asking ‘why are we doing this again?’, ‘the moment has passed’, ‘let it go’, ‘we should be further along’, ‘let it go’.
I have psyched myself into restarting every day for the past 6 months. Today I am actually starting. I’m going to go for it and I pray He will not let me fall and if I should, He will help me back up. We’ll see how it goes. I’m taking it a day at a time but my goal is to find joy every day.
On to Day 1.
P.S.
Writing this was a struggle as I literally had the big head of a 4 year old leaning on my arm the entire times. Yes I had shaken it off, pushed it away and attempted to reposition my arm and myself several times. Henry is not one to give up but his head is so heavy!
