Read a chapter of the Bible daily. Walk 3 miles daily. Online Course.
The past 2 week were an unmitigated disaster!
So week 2 started on a very hopeful and excited note. But in a matter of days everything nosed dived. I don’t take bad news well and I think I’m even worse at taking bad news that I believe could have been avoided or still repaired/recovered.
This led to distraction and lack of focus. I had several technical challenges with work which only led to increased frustration. To cap it off, after my 5 day cleanse, I tasted food for the first time and turned into a ravenous wolf for 24 hours, gorging and binging. Then shame and guilt set in, which led to 24 hours of self imposed starvation which led to anger and self loathing.
I spent the rest of the week trying to talk myself out of giving up. My gym buddy, Big C did his best to keep me on track and I did go through the motions but my heart was not in it.
By week 3, I stopped calling and I stopped taking calls. The darkness was beginning to set in. I am all too familiar with that darkness. I know the power of the darkness and I don’t want to go there.
Something about the darkness is that it replaces my desire for God (and life in general) with a strong desire to get as far away from Him (and everything else) as possible. I get distracted with problems and begin to put off praying, praising and reading. I tell myself, “finish this task (which was supposed to be done yesterday) and then you can pray and praise”.
I think that God really helped me in that he refused to leave me alone. Despite my not wanting to, I attended a women’s conference ‘Courageous’ which was extremely powerful. My takeaway from the conference was that to overcome my ‘principalities and powers’, I needed to expose them. Basically if you don’t admit you are struggling with depression, you have to hide it, which only magnifies its power over you. Acknowledge (I did not say own) the challenge and you open yourself up to be helped.
I did continue to do my devotionals and read which really encouraged me. The constant calls from my sister and mum who can always tell when I am slipping into the abyss didn’t go a miss. There are some people whose calls cannot be ignored… miss my mum’s calls and you best miss your whole life. I’m grateful for their calls because I know sometimes you need people to catch you and carry you when you’ve completely let go
I am going into week 4 trying to stand firm in my resistance to the darkness by going deeper into my relationship with God.