Literally this time 4 years ago, I was on my way home, sitting in silence, unable to speak. I had had so much hope, so much faith. No one could shake my belief in God. I put it all on the line because I knew if I just believed, God would not fail me.
I was utterly devastated. I had just gone through THE MOST disastrous IVF episode of my life. It was my 4th attempt. The results left me physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially broken.
All things work together for good was not comforting. With God nothing is impossible did not seem accurate. My word concerning you is yay and amen. LOL!!! I literally put God on ice for 2 years after that. Even my Christian African Mum knew to back off.
The icing on the cake of that day was that a pastor Uncle called my husband and said God told him, that God allowed the IVF to fail because I wasn’t grateful enough for my first child. Is it that you don’t know me or you accepted a mission from Satan or both?
Now… I know I don’t need to defend or prove to anyone how much I love my child. But sometimes in moments of weakness we allow lies to affect our reality and play terrible games with our minds. There were times I really questioned if indeed I was an ingrate who didn’t deserve another child. Was I greedy? Shouldn’t one be enough? Sometimes I would be so depressed, guilt ridden over being the reason my baby didn’t have a sibling. Was I such a bad mother that God didn’t want to risk another child in my care?
LIES!!!! FILTHY ROTTEN LIES!!!
Today, I could’ve gotten a pedicure, I could’ve taken my braids out, I could’ve just taken a well deserved nap. BUT NO! Like Caleb I said ‘Give me this mountain!’ I just spent the last 4 hours building a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Sewer Tower designed by a company that paid way too much attention to detail. How you can have a multilevel sewer dwelling is beyond me.
4 hours, 1 meatpie and 2 litres of water later, I stand exhausted and victorious as I watch my Henry, skipping with excitement while simultaneously strategising how to play with his toy without his baby brother destroying it.
My truth today and always is that My babies know without a shadow of a doubt that I love them and God knows I am grateful… Even when I’m depressed, even when I feel like I’m failing, even when I’m confused and don’t know the answer, I am and will always be grateful.