For many women, leaning in means showing up, taking attendance and leaving a mark. All too often in a bid to make an impression, we blur the lines between professionalism and people pleasing. We cling to the mantra “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” even as we lose focus—chasing validation from people and systems that may acknowledge our effort, even applaud it, but stop short of legitimizing our authority.
How does engaging proactively become excessive compliance? For those who find themselves on the compliant side of the pendulum, it was not a path intentionally chosen but one that came from a desire to be seen, heard, and counted.
As little girls, many of us were encouraged to play nice, be neat and look pretty. As we grew up we were encouraged to be knowledgeable but not overbearing, to speak up but not be argumentative, to be confident yet humble, to be firm but flexible. Over time we either fought against the constraints or found peace in conformity. For those of us conforming, we do so to our detriment. We prove our value by saying yes when we are already overstretched. We demonstrate reliability by accepting responsibilities that are neither ours nor strategically aligned with our growth. We soften our voices, manage the emotions of others, and call it diplomacy. These behaviors are often rewarded—praised, even celebrated—but praise can be a mask for exploitation.
Leaning in is rooted in agency while people pleasing is built on fear – the fear of rejection, conflict or misunderstanding. Over time, self-sacrifice, over-accommodation, and excessive flexibility stop being exceptions and become expectations—expectations we help set. These traits do not build leaders; they build efficient, dependable foot soldiers.
As we begin this journey of becoming, we must acknowledge who we are, how we arrived here but then lean into who we are purposed to be. We must understand that approval is not advancement. Disagreement does not require hostility. Asking for support is not weakness and boundaries are only meaningful when we enforce them.
Leaning in does not require doing more. Instead, in this new season, let us show up, speak up and confidently set boundaries, all while continuing to deliver excellence on our own terms.
